seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You took a bar mat shot.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i think my cat just said my name.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
