sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
