I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
