There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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