It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
