The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
