Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
