Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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