I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
