dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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