Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
