Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
