Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
