I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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