Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
