Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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