Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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