shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
