my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
