I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
