you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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