I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize