20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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