Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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