sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
