she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
