I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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