I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
