i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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