My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
