I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
