Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
