thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
