his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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