he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
