ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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