Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I've blown a few things in my day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
