that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
