watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
