My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
