Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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