you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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