if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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