I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
