dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
