My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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