You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
