shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
