checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
