his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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