i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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