I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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