all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
