Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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