please come you make the beer taste better
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
