I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How external is "for external use only"?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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