god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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