I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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