I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
